Sleep well, my friend. And dream of large women.

The past two nights have been full of MAJOR dreamage. Like seriously crazy stuff. Some from last night, some from the night before, all surely significant. I don’t believe dreams are predicative, but I do believe they offer valuable insight to some of the stuff we can’t always quite get to.

I used two of my favorite dream dictionaries for these. I do have a few books I need to go back and look at.

First of all, I was with my mom, aunt and cousin. Suddenly, we knew the Apocalypse was happening. And we were having trouble saying the word apopcolptic. Apocalyptic. We said it several times. It was almost like the Rapture or something.

To dream of the apocalypse, signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another.

Such dreams can reflect anxiety about the future, such as many people experienced in connection with atomic war during the cold war. Even though such a war never came, the anxiety dogged many people’s lives for years. They also show the person inwardly recognising that enormous changes are occurring within them that will eventually produce shifts in the way they live and feel about themselves.

We ducked into an alley way, and were kinda high up. I checked around the corner to the left and saw a huge tidal wave coming (but we were safe because we were in the alley).

To see a tidal wave in your dream, represents an overwhelming emotional issue that demands attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative emotions bottled up inside for too long. On a positive note, the tidal wave symbolizes the clearing away of old beliefs.

After I ducked back in, there were a bunch of birds, to the right. But they were like poorly folded paper birds. It was almost as if they were from book covers.  I could only see them from behind. I thought maybe I was in a dream, so I pinched myself, thinking that if I pinched myself, I’d wake up. I did not and it was scary. I eventually woke up, but my eyes weren’t open yet and I knew I had been dreaming, my heart thumping.

There was also something about my hair dresser. I was going to see her. Her hair was cut short. My hair was weird. She slept in her chair. Whatever.

Another time I was IN a volcano. Yes, inside it. It started to erupt and me and the people I was with had to run. Running is another common element in my dreams. We were able to get outside of it and there were people near by, also running from the lava.

A breaking into consciousness of repressed urges, fears, terrors, or even insights and healing. Basically a healing process, but it can be disturbing.

To see a volcano in your dream, indicates that you are unable to control your emotions, particularly if the volcano is erupting. You are ready to burst. The end result may be damaging and hurtful, especially to those around you. If the volcano is dormant, then it represents past issues that have been resolved and put to the rest.

To see an eruption in your dream, signifies a forceful and jolting outpour of repressed thoughts or urges. You may also be experiencing an upheaval in your life.

Another time, I was in a house similar to the one in the Shining. Yes, with ghosts. I had to run though all these rooms and stairs and stuff. Like in the Shining, I wasn’t sure which were real and which weren’t.

Alternatively, ghosts are representative of something that is no longer obtainable or within reach. It indicates that you are feeling disconnected from life and society. Try to figure out what the ghosts wants or what it is looking for. Alternatively, the dream may be a calling for you to move on and abandon your outdated modes of thinking and behavior.

I was running because I had to get somewhere. Or I was meeting someone, or I had to get to him or her about the ghosts. I think I was running down stairs and I yelled, “NO!” at one of them. Like leave me alone, I need to get out of here. I think I was in a library, checking out books at one point, even as I was running. I think I talked to someone, pretty sure it was a ghost.

To dream that you are in a library, signifies your search for knowledge and your hunger for ideas. You may be trying to seek out new meanings to life or you need to study and evaluate your situation before taking action.

So between the apocalypse, volcanoes, ghosts, tidal waves and dreams so realistic I think maybe I’m dreaming, I’m ready for a night of dreams about my future husband or a villa in Italy or chocolate cake with buttercream frosting or something.

The reason this image is used is that when we feel enormous release of emotions such as might happen when we fall in love, have a baby, or are publicly condemned, our ego often feels carried along by the experience rather than in control. We may have learned how to ride such waves as surfers do. This requires confidence, daring and balance. If we can do it we can open ourselves to much greater range of feeling or change than if we felt threatened. Even happiness may be repressed due to feeling threatened. Anxiety or depression is one of these enormous waves that may threaten to engulf us, and so is one of the human conditions the tidal wave represents.

“She seems happy”

This past week, I was with the fam. I’ve got blogs to write about that, but mostly I would say, “I am SO lucky. SO lucky. My family is amazing.” (On this side, all alive, all (mostly) healthy, all loving and caring)

I spent my time at one of my favorite aunt’s places. She’s an amazing woman. I think I’d like her even if we didn’t share blood. She takes her role as godmother very seriously.

Not long after I got home, I received this email (via FB) from her:

This morning G— & I were talking about how much we enjoyed having you at our house. G— said, “She seems happy.” And I agree, and I also believe that when you have tended your own garden of happiness, that is when other forms of happiness are free to enter your life. The love of your life is out there, J— coming closer to you every day. And in the meantime, you are happily living your own rich life.

Have a great day, my sweetie!

Pretty great, huh? But it made me sad, too. I don’t feel happy. Or maybe I did when I was there. When I was there, I was a million miles from home, in thought, word and deed. House problems? Didn’t worry about them. Those bills? Didn’t think once about them. I was so relaxed when I was there. Although surrounded by family, which can be stressful, I never once felt stressed. I think the most annoyed I got was when my mom couldn’t figure out the remote for the TV when she couldn’t find “What Not to Wear.”

I ate brats and beer and bad hamburgers (from Culver’s). I went to the movies. I drank beer, I sang karaoke. I shopped, I bought. I ate cinnamon rolls and peanut butter M&Ms. I oohe and awwed over G’s fireworks. I danced with a sparkler while my family doo-doo’ed a song. I pushed my cousin’s kid on a tire swing. I read and stayed up late and slept in and watched HGTV with my cousin. I marveled at only turning on the AC once while there. I ate pancakes and drank good coffee.

So after this email, I thought. Am I happy? Am I? Because I sure don’t feel it. Or maybe right now I don’t feel it. I didn’t when I got that email.

I thought, am I happy and don’t realize it? or
am I not happy and just good at faking it?
Am I faking it till I make (ing) it?

Life’s good in the summertime. Very little stress (although lots of heat!), lots of time to do nothing, which exactly what I’ve done.

I have my happy moments and my not happy moments, it ebbs and flows. But on a whole, am I? If I have to *ask* if I’m happy, how can I be?

I am working on my garden. I’m working on cultivating it. I’m working on figuring things out. And maybe that’s what this summer is all about–figuring things out. Or at least relaxing a lot on the way there.

Mi familia

In a few days I’ll be heading to a family reunion type of gathering. Both looking forward to it and not. Totally looking forward to  getting away from the heat. Weather forecast is about 20 degrees cooler than here. (I KNOW!!)

Luckily my family usually isn’t one to pull the “when are you getting married,” crap, so I’m lucky there. I did have a non-church-going boyfriend the last time I went up there. One aunt asked, “and how do we feel about that?” I commented that I don’t go much either, so it didn’t really bother me. Had a bit of a non-invasive, genuine and open discussion that didn’t last all that long. She’s one of my fave’s. (and she’s even married to a pastor).

All in all, my family is really cool. I really like them. Sure, there’s quirks, but mostly they’re all really cool. And there are enough other issues going on that the unmarried cousin doesn’t get that much negative attention. I think they think I can do no wrong. What little do they know!

Then there’s also these “standards” that I’m supposed to live up to. And I have to … I don’t know… mom expects me to act or be a certain way. In all reality? More of seen and not heard.  Don’t stir the pot, don’t shake the cradle,..whatever that is. And now that I think about it, that’s how “we all” are with grandpa. He’s the authoritarian (not in a super bad way. Like not in an abusive way), we listen. We don’t argue. Well, some of the kids (his daughters) do. We sure as heck don’t, that’s for sure.

Anyway, I know it’ll be a good trip. Small Town America and all. May give me fodder for future blogs, but I kinda hope not.

More dreams

More dreams last night. Lots. Lots of bad ones. Like people were mad at me. Even my best of friends were angry or upset with me. Like really mad. And this other group of women? They all had a slumber party and I was invited to the morning stuff, but they ALL gathered without me. And they talked about me and how I was a bad person.

Couple nights ago, I remember screaming at least twice during the course of the dream(s). I woke up with a dry throat. I don’t know if I screamed out loud or made those noises that you sometimes make when you want to scream, but can’t. Or  you’re in a dream and can’t scream for real.

I did have one where I witnessed a really, really horrible car crash. I wonder if that’s when I screamed? I don’t remember now. I was not driving (I’m rarely driving in my dreams, which I know is significant). A car sped past us, flipped over. I could see the underside of it. Not sure about the people in it. Don’t remember them, if they lived or not or if they were even relevant. The wreck was horrible, though.

It’s so damn hot out, my house does not cool off. I wake up sweating sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and move to the couch because it’s cooler and darker in the living room. I’m pondering starting there tonight, despite my awesomely comfortable bed.

blah and stuff

It’s late.

I should go to bed. But, really, why do I need to? Yes, I’ve got lots to do tomorrow, but really I could nap too, if I wanted. I’m helping B with packing, too (Hi, B!).

Oh, and the lots to do is stuff like visit Lowe’s, go to the grocery store (need to make a list!), Wally World… stuff like that. May or may not make some purchases, but do need to look at a few things. I have a lot of calls to make. Doctors and lawyers and such. Okay, really, just doctors of those two.

I need to go through that magazine pile and I need to put that stuff there. It’s late and I’m awake; I could work now. Could work on that list now. Well, some of it. Although open, I will not be going to Wally World at midnight. No, thanks.

Been home awhile now, but of course didn’t get working on that list, unless blogging and reading were on it.

Not much point to this blog. Just checking in. Got those creative juices flowing again and I need to do something with them.

Water

Had another water dream.

There were lots of people there. Was like a reunion of sorts or something.

There was this big scary “thing” in the water. The main actor (b/c it wasn’t me, but it was like a movie) had to go get the thing–like a monkfish or something. The water was cloudy. As the thing swam toward our protagonist, I jerked big time, in the movie (as the camera person? as the protagonist? as me? in real life?) and woke myself up. I think I threw my hands in front of me to stop it or to scream or something.

Before I decided to leave my former job, but was very unhappy, I had lots of water dreams.

Water is in my dream a lot. Big oceans and seas and rivers and stuff, usually. One thought is that “water” is your subconscious. This water was icky, gross and scary last night.  I woke up, my heart pounding.

Grieving Process

“It’s a grieving process.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in the past 2 years. And it is. And I’ve been through the same damn grieving process 800 times. And it sucks each time. But each time I secretly did have someone/thing to fall back on. And now I’m going through it again.

There is more I want to say. There is more I want to say. There is more I want to say that is probably not worth it.

I. Am. So. Hurt. Nauseated. Sick. Untrusting. I think of things and have to brush them away. I think of lots of things. And I have to brush them all away. Have to make myself forget them. Have to remember good things. Have to ignore that while it was good for me, it was like double-dipping for others. When I said it was uneven, I had no idea how spot on I was.

So unfair.

My guts, my hugs

You should know a few things about me. If you know me well enough, some of them you should know already.

I’m a hugger. I love giving hugs, I love recieving hugs. I think they are powerful. Now, I know some of you are not huggers, and that’s okay. I’ll give you your space. But for me, I think there is something powerful about the healing touch of a good hug.

I think hugs go both ways. I give a little bit of (joy, love, caring…fill in your own word), and from you, I receive a bit of (joy, love, caring, understanding, comfort…).

At a former job, a mom came to me concerned about her daughter who had ran away. She came to my office, we talked, she cried, we hugged. That was the first time in my life I didn’t “get” anything from the other hugger. It was like she had nothing left to give.  She was completely drained.

It stuck out in my mind as the only time I haven’t “received” anything back from a hug, and that concept never meant anything to me until I had that experience.

Had my second one recently. There was lots of discussion, lots of tears, lots of confusion, anger, upsetness, hurt. When we hugged, it was like I couldn’t even open my mind/body/heart to it. I got nothing from that hug. I couldn’t let myself.

You should also know I’m a very quick, but good judge of people. Now, I don’t get “vibes” from people at the grocery store, and yes, sometimes my radar is off, but rarely has my gut instinct steered me in the wrong direction. Met several people a few years ago.  (maybe more like  18 months??). I knew to be weary of them, and boy was I right on that. (It goes in the other way, too…. thus some of my best friends I have right now–that instant click.)

I’ve picked up on stuff from dates, from people at work, from friends of friends. Good and bad. I can’t always pin-point it, but it’s there. That “I need to be careful around you” or the “you and I are going to be BFFs.” I have yet to be wrong on either of those things. It’s like I can tell that something is just … off.

Sometimes I pick up on something and it’s not until later that I put it together. Like the guy I went on three dates with, who never tried to even touch me. On date # 3, he asked if it was okay for him to see me and another woman (Um, no?). Oh, duh … that’s why you were so spacey.

And sometimes signals are there, staring me in the face, shouting to be seen. Either I don’t see them or I ignore them.

And I end up wondering why I didn’t hear them sooner.

Four Agreements

1. Be impeccable with your word.

Say what you need to say. No more, no less. Don’t intentionally hurt people. Don’t lead them on. Don’t say un-truths. When it’s time to say it, say it. Don’t say more than you need to. I have to tell you this right now.

2. Always do your best.

Today, your best may be here. Tomorrow it may be some place else. At this time, on this day, do your best. Do the best you can do, in all that you do. Today you can do the splits, tomorrow you may not be able to. Just do the best you can for the current situation, current activity, current “thing.”

3. Don’t take anything personally.

The things people say to you have nothing to do with you. It’s where he or she is coming from. Good or bad, don’t take it personally. It’s true when they say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” It has something to do with them, not you. When someone says something mean or hurtful to you, it has to do with what’s going on behind them. It truly is what’s going on with me. I’ve got my own shit to work out. Really and truly.

4. Don’t make assumptions.

Can’t assume something. Can’t assume you know until they tell you. Can’t assume they know what you mean. Can’t assume to understand. This is not about you.

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I’m working on it.

wound

Kinda wound up. Pretty sleepy, but not really tired at all. Kinda tired, but not really sleepy at all.

Perusing old emails that made me think of how things used to be. Remember journal entries that remind me of more recent past.

Flipping between several tabs, all the same websites I visit all the time.

Full from delicious appetizers, happy from several glasses of wine, satisfied from s’mores.

Should I get up and work out? Should I sleep in? Should I get up without an alarm and plan a work out if I get up in enough time? Have go to “in” tomorrow from 1:30 or so until 5:30 or so (“Annie, Annie, are you okay?!”)

Yawning.

Should drink more water. How do I count the points for tonight? Do I sorta count them, as I sometimes do? No idea how much I ate tonight. Not TONS, but not all WW-friendly. Whatever. So worth it. So much fun.

Don’t have a current book that I want to read. Should have one soon at the library. Have one on my bedside table. Want something new. Could go read.

Have a knitting project I’m working on. Have others I could work on (say, before July 22nd??).  Could clean. Could sit here and write random blogs about nothing.

Told someone today that my blog was just my own personal brain dump. Once I got it out here, it was done. … And the real serious stuff I write in my journal. Only I see that. That’s the deep, deep stuff.

I’m sure if I went and brushed and washed, I’d feel better would feel closer to bedtime.

Hard not to remember the good. Hard to forget the not so good.

Where’s the balance? How is it supposed to be?