So on Friday, someone who I respect, but who I don’t always give the respect they deserve, told me they were proud of me.

That was pretty cool.

A mere slap on the wrist, but I was reprimanded today.  Not in a totally bad way. Guess I made it 12 weeks before getting that sort of reprimand.

Received another one a few weeks ago for a similar thing, from a different person, probably one who was carrying out orders.

I don’t know why I’m so upset by it. But I’m really upset. How much does this really reflect on me? How much does it really affect me?  In the big scheme, as well as the little one.

There’s a meeting tomorrow that I think I’m supposed to be more prepared for, yet I have no f*cking clue what is going on. I’m not prepared. I’ll probably get in trouble for that, too.

I can’t take reading any more freaking articles! I have a huge pile to read already. (JB–that’s not to you; those I have more of a choice and desire to read).

“Here, read this by Wednesday. Be ready to discuss,” “You need to find an article to read by next month and distribute it out.  Be ready to discuss.”

Not sure what slaps I’ll receive for not finding the second articles mentioned here. It’s sometimes hard to care. Learning community. I get it. I do. Always good to learn more. All that. Makes sense. Who am I letting down by not finding these other articles?

I’ll quit venting. Or not. You know I like to keep it private here, otherwise I’d go on.

You better believe after Thanksgiving, I’ll be taking a mental health day.

I started going through the pictures I have on my computer. I don’t have many, since it’s a new computer, so I was looking at FB and MS and flickr to find a few new pictures.  (What a time suck!)

I realized something. Generally speaking, when truly happy, I smile with my mouth open. I show teeth. When super happy, I’ll show my mouth, too. Like my teeth are even open. Sure, that’s not the case 100% of the time, but generally speaking, it seems true. (You better believe I’m looking through that shoe box as soon as I hit “publish.”)

I don’t remember the exact pictures, but I do remember what was going on in my life at the time.  Mostly. And it seems that when things were good, I bared my teeth like a goofy gorilla. Other times, something may have been wrong. Maybe on the surface, maybe deep down. Seems, though, that my last few pictures I’ve shown what I got. Cross-bite and all.

Here’s what I wrote in a letter to me on July 24, 2008, sent to me from the past, to July 24, 2009. (futureme.org). I won’t lie, I knew it would be coming soon, but had no idea what I had written.

Dear FutureMe,
It’s Thursday, July 24, 2008. You just took your first sock-knitting lesson. So far it’s going pretty well. Have you made more?

Lots of things are okay.
You’re just fine where you are.

——-

Okay, so I only made one pair of socks. I’ve done hats and scarves since then, but no more socks. Maybe I should get on that again. Those were fun. They were challenging and fun. Not that I’ll ever wear them, but I sure am proud of them!

YES! My house is awesome! I did lots of renovations this summer, and there are still lots more to do. I love my newly painted kitchen and accent wall.

I don’t do Johnson’s CSA anymore, but do Greenling about once a month. I’m loving it. Not necessarily because of that, but I have tried lots of new recipes in the past year.

I really worked on cultivating friendships over the past year or so. I worked on strenghtening the ones I wanted to keep, and let others fall to the wayside. Some slipped away that I should do better about keeping going.

As of this July (2009), hadn’t found “that special someone,” but have realized it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve got great friends and a great family.

I’ve lost and gained weight since last July. Same few pounds up and down, but I’m working out a lot. I’m working on eating more veggies. Most days I’m pretty okay with my body.  And you know what?  I am fine with where I am. … Damnit!

—-

I’m pondering sending another letter to myself. It’s a fun surprise to get a year later. I suggest you do it, too. Go to futureme.org and write yourself a letter!

When will I blog again? I think of things randomly that I’d like to say. I come home and don’t want (or don’t think to) write.  Now I’m engrossed in the last 15 minutes of Top Chef, and don’t want to write. I’ll be heading to bed straight away.

That’s all I really got.

Nothing.

Playing Taboo and The Friday Five

1. Who’s making a positive difference in your life?
   Taboo words: friends, family, husband/wife/spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. Where would you like to be right now?
   Taboo words: home, bed, anywhere but here.
3. What’s the first thing you’d do with a $5,000 (or your local equivalent) gift?
   Taboo words: save, debt, vacation, payments, invest.
4. What super-power would you really like to have?
   Taboo words: invisibility, x-ray vision, flying, strength, transform.
5. What’s your favorite sound?
   Taboo words: laughter, music, ocean, wind, ____’s voice

1. KT, duh! She makes me see things from within. She asks the tough questions.

2. I would like to be well, feeling great. Probably in a different country.

3. Write an e-check to Visa. Or, wait..no! Get a deck.  (is it Freudian that I typed an ‘i’ at first?)

4. Being in the air like the birds. I think that would be amazing.

5. When you’re in the car and it’s raining and you turn off the car and just hear the rain on the windshied and roof.

… and “I’m really struggling. “  That’s what I said and then I started crying. The crying where you’re not totally sure where it’s coming from. And you’re embarassed because you’re around your peers and your IA and you feel really vulnerable.  And you’re embarassed. Like, “I’m better than this.” And you’re thinking of other things, not just things at work. And you’re stressed, and tired, and you didn’t sign up kids for tutoring and who the hell really cares anyway?

And you still haven’t fill out the forms. And you need a folder for each student? Really??!  So for A, I’m going to put a post-it and say, “she always does all her work and she’s really sweet.” And for G, I’ll stick a note in there on his SE paperwork and say “he’s doing fine in here. He does better when he gets to sit at the big table by himself.”  And E and J might both get the “really smart, but doesn’t apply him/her self.”

And people are asking all these questions about U and you just don’t know and you’ve stopped caring about it. And your room is a mess and you can’t get organized and the papers keep piling up.  And you hate the way the desks are organized. But you can’t fix them now because they’re taking tests. Yes, already. And, no, I haven’t been teaching, either.

And all the shit hits the fan and you’re finally allowed to let it all down and the tears start. And you wonder what people wonder about you. You wonder if they think you are a weakling who can’t make it through the first 4 weeks.

And maybe it’s because you’re on the verge of sick, and maybe you haven’t gotten enough sleep as you need, even though you’re in bed at a semi-decent time. And maybe it’s the fact that your period is almost over. And maybe it is the stuff going on with and to friends. And maybe it really was just a moment of weakness.  And you wonder why your body aches, even though you have no other symptoms of anything.

The kids? They’re awesome. Besides those few pesky kids in that one pesky class, they’re great. They’re how they’re supposed to be. Constant juxtapositions. They’re anxious and excited. And they care and they don’t. They’re curious and think life is boring.  They’re excited and too cool to show emotions. They walk in crying and you don’t know why. They leave smiling because the nurse deemed it appropriate and you have many, many kids gone.

That’s really what I care about. It really is. It’s them. I might just be in a moment of weakness. But I know it’ll pass. I know it will go by, and I know this is just a moment of weakness. Just a moment.

Alright, so you know I love dream analysis. Over the past few months, I’ve been looking up stuff like floods and apocolpyse and erupting volcanoes and showering in the mall…stuff like that.

But the past several nights, they’ve been much more realistic.  Like having conversations with people I had spoken with earlier in the day, or doing things I had done that day, or would be doing soon. And not a dream that’s “regular, but turns weird,” like  being with mom and then all of a sudden being with a princess in a castle. I mean, for real, realistic dreams. That could have been real life.

And dreams of people I rarely-to never see. And dreams about people I saw that day–that maybe I hadn’t seen for awhile. And dreams of people I’ll see, doing things we were planning on doing.

It’s really … well, it’s weird to have non-weird dreams! It’s kinda fascinating, too. It’s like I get to live out the things I secretly (or not-so-secretly) want. Some of them are just “whatever,” and some leave nothing to interpretation, but I really enjoyed that one when S secretly touched my leg under the table.

Usually, when I dream, and I figure out the supposed “meaning,” I kinda know what it’s in reference to.

Water is usually subconcious, and I don’t know what the floods were trying to tell me last night.

A car is usually where your life is going. Who is driving? That “person” (or what they symbolize) is what’s guiding you in life.

A phone, I’m assuming is communication–what happens if it falls in water, but you grab it in time for it to still work.

I won’t lie. School is the number one thing on my mind right now. I’m not sure how all these things correspond, but I’ll be looking them up later. Oh, yeah, and HEAVY making out by the red bell peppers in Whole Foods.