… and “I’m really struggling. “  That’s what I said and then I started crying. The crying where you’re not totally sure where it’s coming from. And you’re embarassed because you’re around your peers and your IA and you feel really vulnerable.  And you’re embarassed. Like, “I’m better than this.” And you’re thinking of other things, not just things at work. And you’re stressed, and tired, and you didn’t sign up kids for tutoring and who the hell really cares anyway?

And you still haven’t fill out the forms. And you need a folder for each student? Really??!  So for A, I’m going to put a post-it and say, “she always does all her work and she’s really sweet.” And for G, I’ll stick a note in there on his SE paperwork and say “he’s doing fine in here. He does better when he gets to sit at the big table by himself.”  And E and J might both get the “really smart, but doesn’t apply him/her self.”

And people are asking all these questions about U and you just don’t know and you’ve stopped caring about it. And your room is a mess and you can’t get organized and the papers keep piling up.  And you hate the way the desks are organized. But you can’t fix them now because they’re taking tests. Yes, already. And, no, I haven’t been teaching, either.

And all the shit hits the fan and you’re finally allowed to let it all down and the tears start. And you wonder what people wonder about you. You wonder if they think you are a weakling who can’t make it through the first 4 weeks.

And maybe it’s because you’re on the verge of sick, and maybe you haven’t gotten enough sleep as you need, even though you’re in bed at a semi-decent time. And maybe it’s the fact that your period is almost over. And maybe it is the stuff going on with and to friends. And maybe it really was just a moment of weakness.  And you wonder why your body aches, even though you have no other symptoms of anything.

The kids? They’re awesome. Besides those few pesky kids in that one pesky class, they’re great. They’re how they’re supposed to be. Constant juxtapositions. They’re anxious and excited. And they care and they don’t. They’re curious and think life is boring.  They’re excited and too cool to show emotions. They walk in crying and you don’t know why. They leave smiling because the nurse deemed it appropriate and you have many, many kids gone.

That’s really what I care about. It really is. It’s them. I might just be in a moment of weakness. But I know it’ll pass. I know it will go by, and I know this is just a moment of weakness. Just a moment.

Kinda wound up. Pretty sleepy, but not really tired at all. Kinda tired, but not really sleepy at all.

Perusing old emails that made me think of how things used to be. Remember journal entries that remind me of more recent past.

Flipping between several tabs, all the same websites I visit all the time.

Full from delicious appetizers, happy from several glasses of wine, satisfied from s’mores.

Should I get up and work out? Should I sleep in? Should I get up without an alarm and plan a work out if I get up in enough time? Have go to “in” tomorrow from 1:30 or so until 5:30 or so (“Annie, Annie, are you okay?!”)

Yawning.

Should drink more water. How do I count the points for tonight? Do I sorta count them, as I sometimes do? No idea how much I ate tonight. Not TONS, but not all WW-friendly. Whatever. So worth it. So much fun.

Don’t have a current book that I want to read. Should have one soon at the library. Have one on my bedside table. Want something new. Could go read.

Have a knitting project I’m working on. Have others I could work on (say, before July 22nd??).  Could clean. Could sit here and write random blogs about nothing.

Told someone today that my blog was just my own personal brain dump. Once I got it out here, it was done. … And the real serious stuff I write in my journal. Only I see that. That’s the deep, deep stuff.

I’m sure if I went and brushed and washed, I’d feel better would feel closer to bedtime.

Hard not to remember the good. Hard to forget the not so good.

Where’s the balance? How is it supposed to be?

It was one year ago today that I woke up and headed to my dad’s. I picked him up and we went to a nearby title company. Yes, it was a year ago today that I closed on my house. Easy enough to remember–dad’s birthday.  It was very surreal. Dad took a few pictures, I signed and initialed, I took deep breaths. I pretended I understood everything.

Then we went to lunch. Nice lunch it was. Sent the pic to mom.

I think after that I came to my new house. I tried the lock, the guy gave me the wrong combo. Finally got in. I started by bringing in my mirror mosaic (which I have yet to hang. Got the hanging things and am having a hell of a time getting them on there).

A lot has happened since then. I really worked on me. I said that for the first time recently, and I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. I really worked on me. Some of the good, positive highlights, because really, why rehash the bad things?:

Around the house, I haven’t done a whole lot of big things, but I’ve done lots of little things. I racked up huge credit card bills buying the perfect bedroom set and the perfect table and chairs and art work and bookshelves and paint. I downgraded my trashcans twice. I’ve been working on cleaning up after myself. I am a cluttered person. I’m working on de-cluttering and picking up more. I threw an awesome party. I bought great rugs,  one of them a for-real Persian rug. I painted my bedroom.

I haven’t lost weight (no, really, I haven’t), but I’ve worked out more. I’ve been mostly trying to eat healthier. I joined a CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) and ate lots of weird veggies. I quit the CSA and joined Greenling, where they deliver the goods to your door. Not all local stuff, but all organic and all delicious. I’ve cooked a lot more and tried new recipes. I take my lunch most days of the week.  I’ve dyed my hair several different shades, including a magenta-ish color.

I was in two of my BFF’s weddings, as a singleton. I went on a lot of weird dates (not to mention 2 of the most boring ever, one who asked me to save my pee for him, one who couldn’t decide between me and another woman). I also went on a lot of good dates with another BFF (they basically were dates, right?).

I completed my 5th year as a teacher in a position I love. LOVE. Completed my 4th year as a Team Leader. Was released from both those positions. Offered a new job at the same place. I’m terrified and excited about the new challenge. But back to this past year.

I travelled. Boy, did I travel. I found out Japan is one of my favorite places in the world. I took a picture with Geishas. I cried when I did. I teared up when I was at that intersection in Tokyo, that’s like 18 crosswalks all together.  I’ve never had such an over-whelming “I’m supposed to come back here” feeling before in my life.

I worked on me emotionally and mentally by seeing a shrink (I use that term in love). I’ve been to several in my life. I’ve never cried so much sitting in one of those chairs as I have this go-round. She’s made me work, she’s made me think.

I cultivated friendships, I got to know people more, I talked to more people. I backed off on other friendships. I listened more to the voice that said maybe I should be careful with what I say to certain people. I chose to stay in more. I chose when I did and didn’t go out. I drank a lot of wine.

I’ve worked really hard to get me where I am today. And I do think it all started with this house. It’s been a good year, a tough year, a fun year and an interesting year. And I guess I only have 29 more years to go until I own!

I’ve got that itch to write. It’s right there. I think I even started composing in my head last night. That’s when I write the best–when I’m in bed, on the brink of sleep.

And now I should be going to bed. I’m sleepy, I’ve been on the computer a lot tonight, just flipping through websites, doing nothing productive. Couldn’t even make my lunch because all the good tupperware is in the (now washing) dishwasher. I took the trash and recycling out. I really should go to the next smaller (and smallest) size of trashcan. I didn’t take the trash out last week, and still this week I didn’t come close to filling it.

I love the new recycling. Of course I hate that it doesn’t get sorted and recycled in town, but it makes me feel good to throw SO much in there. I mean, I throw SO much!  It’s just awesome. Coke zero cans, milk gallons, shampoo bottles, all sorts of plastics, all glass, all paper. I stand at my make-shift recycle bag and go through my junk mail. I give my egg cartons back to Greenling, even though I don’t buy their eggs. Soon (yeah, right) I will compost and will throw out even less food.

I’ve got several items of already prepared food in my fridge right now. Does Thai Egg Drop Soup freeze well? Or should I toss it? I’ve got one chicken mole thigh left. Some spiced pumpkin soup left, which will probably freeze well. It’s good to have to food available. Good to have it when I just don’t have it in me to cook. But sometimes when I’m feeling ambitious like this, I get a lot of made food in my fridge/freezer and just continue to make more.

I was inspired and went to the store around 11:00 a.m. today. It was perfect. There were only a few spots of “OMG this place is crazy!” which is a million times less than usual. I did have to go back, unfortunately, but it was all easy to do the exchange of broken things. I’ve got a few new recipes to make this week.

I’m going to try my hand at cupcakes this week for the team potluck. I’m going to try to copy KT and make PB frosting. I even bought little tips (and PB Kisses to put inside).  I’m excited to experiment and I hope I’m not being too over-ambitious. I could have done them today, I had the time, but I didn’t want them to dry out too much by Wednesday. Hopefully I have the time Tuesday.

Tomorrow I go see David Sedaris. I’m very excited about that. C (hi, C!) often goes to “things” by herself, and I’ve always been impressed by that. She sees a concert or musician or speaker or whatever that she wants to see and she buys a ticket. Just one ticket. And she goes.

Me? I see if someone else will go, or I just don’t go at all–I haven’t been to “a show” in a really long time.  I’ve done the dining alone thing, I’ve done movies alone, I guess this was next. And it’s not like it’s even that big of a deal. But it kinda is. But it’s not really, you know what I mean? (And kudos to you if you’ve read my rambling thus far).  So that’s tomorrow. I’m very excited about it. That man cracks my shit up.

This is not what I intended to write about. It’s what came out, though.

So maybe I really should go to bed. I just started Little Women. Never read it, and I feel like I should have by now. I’ve read the first chapter so far. I have seen the movie, and I don’t remember much of it, which is good for me, since I hate reading the book after seeing the movie. I should go brush my teeth, read for a few pages and go to bed.

It’s Monday tomorrow, which makes me say boo. I know you non-teaching people think we have it so easy. And at times, yes, we do. I think the fact that there is an end in sight is what makes these last few weeks so difficult. I think I officially hit The Wall. I’m done. Over it.

Today as I went through my day, I thought of various blogs to blog. They were all over the place. I have no idea what they were now.

So here’s some random tid-bits about me. I’m warning you now, this is pretty rambly…

When I don’t have work or school, I often start working. Like project working. Sometimes even when I do have somewhere to be the next day, I start projecting. I start the cleaning.

After a very bad accident in 2000, I remember being my apartment. Pain was still bad enough I was taking Vicodin (thank you, Abbott Laboratories), but it must have been under control enough that I could do things. (There was a while there where I couldn’t do much at all.) I took a Vicodin or two, thinking it would help me sleep. I remember cleaning. Like crazy. It must have been. I remember sitting on my closet floor, thinking to myself, “wow, I’ve got a lot done.” Or maybe I thought how odd it was the Vicodin had the opposite of what I expected. I don’t know. I do know that I stayed up late cleaning and clearing.

I know there were times in high school that, if I didn’t have school the next day, I’d start clearing out my desk or rummage through my closet or clean out mostly-used shampoo bottles.  It’s like I don’t want to waste daylight, but if I’m awake and it’s night, it’s not like I’m going to go do something!

So, here I am again. I mostly cleaned my kitchen (minus the floors) this morning. Today I got a shelving system to use as my pantry. I just finished putting it together–no tools required! I can’t figure out if I like it or not. I don’t know if I like everyone seeing my business, but I know it was all visible before, too. Now it’s just more spread out.

So, I put it up. Then I need to sweep. Maybe then I should put these little carriers in the office. Wait, while I’m in the office, I should put these pens in here. Oh, but this is a mess here. I can’t handle this mess. That mess will have to wait.

Should I enjoy the bed? Should I disfruta the energy I have to actually do some cleaning? Maybe I should use this energy to read those two books I got today (Ah! there was that other blog!). Maybe I should blog. Maybe I should check facebook again.

I know what will happen. I’ll go back to the shelving. I’ll scrunch my nose, tilt my head, slide things around. I may try to do a bit in the office. Or not.

I am sleepy, but I do think I have a bit left in me to move and shuffle my stuff around.

I’m not feeling wordy enough to have a lofty “first post of the new year,” so I’ll just post a few thoughts, a few notes, comments, all that.

New Year’s. Wow. What a night. Let me tell you about it. Some random person (yeah, basically just like that) invited me and a few other orphans over for a shin-dig. Black and White party, dress up, pay $2 for drinks (and I kept hoping, food). C and I got dolled up — we looked HOT, let me just say that. I was excited. Excited at the prospect of meeting new people, of having a fun (almost) wild New Years, but not so much like year’s past because, well, those hurt the whole next day.  New people, new experiences, the unknown. Sure, why not?

Anyway, C printed out the invite, I had looked it up, we headed out. Could not find the address. 2104 it said, on a fairly big street. We started thinking maybe it was in a strip mall. We saw an apartment complex across the way, and thought maybe the address was wrong. So we went there. It seemed oddly dead. #533.  That’s what we were supposed to look for. We walked all around building #5. No 533. Even #523 was dark and quiet.  A nice guy with his small pup offered to help. No such luck. Pretty sure it turns out #533 doesn’t exist. No, really. No, I won’t shut up.

I was done. Over it.

Miles from home, we started the trek back. We went to a restaurant/pub/bar thing. We ate cheese fries with bacon. We had lots of drinks. 58 minutes after we sat down, we rang in the new year. We laughed. Hard. We took pictures. We laughed harder. We talked of the new year, our expectations, our hopes, our desires. We drank more. We took more pictures.  It may have been in The Divine Plan not to go to that party. I’m a little glad it was. I was out, I had fun, I had good, greasy food (kitchen closes at midnight, btw) and good drinks. I can only hope the rest of my year is “as chill” as my NYE was.

————

I received many blanket texts on Christmas morning. “Merry Christmas, friend”… “Wish you were here,” and so on. Don’t get me wrong. I do like them. Make me smile. The one that made me laugh the hardest? One of my very first e-H dates. Said something like, “I’m so blessed to have friends like you.” Um, okay. (I’m a little glad I kept his name in my phone).

——–

Twenty years ago today my dad and step-mom got married. Twenty years! That makes me feel old, in some regards.

——

In a bit I’ll go to my dad’s for our Christmas there. It’ll be good food and good times. Hopefully presents I’ll actually use/need, too. I mean, yes, I do love presents….but we have received our fair share of things we don’t use much.

——-

I’m not really sure what to expect in 2009.  I didn’t know last year at this time that I’d be a indebted home-owner, and here I am 365 days later, listening to good music, sitting on an awesome couch, in my very own house. So who knows what’ll happen?

Hope you had a good holiday season and I hope that you have an awesome start to the year. And the things we don’t know… sometimes are part of The Plan.

I’m right on that line of introvert-extrovert. I think I’m becoming more and more introverted. I need–NEED–that recharge time. I could “give or take” hanging out with friends, sometimes.

I have a pumpkin carving party to go to tomorrow. And an appt in the morning to make sure the make up lady doesn’t go crazy with our faces for A’s wedding.

I was supposed to go to a birthday dinner tonight. I wanted to try to go, after my gym class. I think had I not almost passed out in my class, I would have gone. We were a few songs in, and I felt a little … off. Almost clammy. I thought about who I could call if I passed out. I didn’t. But my energy went waaaay down.  There were only four of us in the class; I just couldn’t leave. I made it through, she eve said “don’t quit, don’t quit!” so I couldn’t. And she’s one of my faves, so I wanted to keep working. Like seriously, I couldn’t do the punches.

I told P on the way home that this week wore me out and I’m not even sure why.

Is it because 3 of the 4 nights (so far) I’ve been away from home? Is it because I feel like I’ve been losing sleep? Is it the allergies making my head full of goop?

I don’t know.

So I stopped at the HEB after my class, and got some crappy sushi and ate it. In my pajamas.

It feels good to be home. To be quiet. To be surrounded by quiet.

I need a day.

As you know, I get a “CSA box” every other week. It’s jam-packed with wonderful, fresh veggies. Veggies I’ve never heard of, never eaten, veggies I love, everything.  Because of various commitments, I haven’t cooked at home yet this week. (Which is totally rare for me!).

I was home tonight. I had all these veggies to cook. I just couldn’t do it. I’m drained. I’m tired.

You wanna know what I had? Popcorn. Luckily, it was air-popped. But I ate the whole damn batch. With lots of butter sprays. I dipped it in cock sauce.  It’s delicious.

For dessert? Immediately following? An ice cream drumstick. I didn’t even wait to see if I really wanted it or not. Actually, I had in my mind what I wanted, but didn’t have any–that I saw until later. Of course eating like that, I don’t feel “satisfied,” but whatever. It was what I wanted at the time.

I also ate 3 pieces of chocolate on the way home.

I try to eat better than that. But the seratonin or lectin or whatever the hell those receptors are were firing. Or weren’t. (Obviously I didn’t pay enough attention to that article I read this morning!) Had I been smart about it, I would have either saved them all, or only eaten one and saved the rest for those needs at school.

Anyway, that was my dinner. No protein, no veggies, no fruits, no dairy.

Oh? And of course there was no exercising to be had, either.

Maybe I should just round out the night with a glass of wine.

Gemini Horoscope for week of October 2, 2008

Do you believe in higher love at first sight? How about instant enlightenment? And what about higher love at first sight that brings instant enlightenment, or instant enlightenment that provokes higher love at first sight? These are themes I suspect you’ll soon be flirting with, Gemini. In order to get all of the blessings from the lessons they’ll offer, you must dispense with your preconceived notions about what they might entail. You’ve got to wash your own brain so it’s nice and clean and empty of expectations.

I don’t even think this has to do with love-love for me. I think it ties in with expectations. And really focusing on what I want.  And the Visualization stuff. I just read a woman’s blog who attends WW meetings. She was writing about the power of positive thinking. (The thought of “I will lose 80 pounds,” “I will work out every day this week,” whatever–these were her goals, mind you. I know I can’t lose 80 pounds!).

I think it’s time for me to learn a new lesson. Things have been stagnant for awhile. I’m swirling the waters with eharmony, for one. I’m trying new persepctives on things that bother me. I’m trying to work out of the stagnation…. as I sit here at 8:00, almost already ready for bed.

I know I need to work on it, but I also know when I come home, I just want to chill out. (I did do the 20 minute TJ workout, so I did do something.)  I made dinner tonight, which I haven’t done in awhile. Enough lunches and/or dinners for 5 more times.

I’m trying to get more into blogging–getting it out. I’m meeting neighbors (yes, more stories there).   Sometimes fake it till you make it, right?

I need to wash my brain, clear it out, lose my expectations about a lot of things.  I really do feel I’m on the verge of the great accident.

So last week, I was going to post a blog about “I’m thinking of doing on-line dating again.”

And I was going to get opinions.

I’ve got some opinions through emails.

Well, today, kind of on a whim, I signed up. No, really. I did. I’m not even totally sure why. I mean, of course I know why … but I don’t know why today was the day. I guess I had the balls to do it, so I did it. Despite being strapped for cash, I did it.  It was one of those things that started to happen before I thought too much about it.

Not that I’m necessarily looking to get married, but for real…I’ve been to and heard of so many weddings from people who met on-line. So I’m giving it a go. Testing the waters. Yet AGAIN. … I mean, I’m not meeting people elsewhere, so….

Not in a pessimistic way, but I don’t have very high expectations. I’m just doing it for something new. I just emailed a friend this week and told her i felt “stagnant.” Even if I don’t find the love of my life, or even get a few good dates, my life won’t be as stagnant, at least hopefully. At least for a bit. Of course I’m really hoping that I get more than just a bunch of bad dates, but it’s something different!! And I think that’s what I need for a bit.

Maybe some of the better stories will be posted here. Maybe. I mean, we all know that I have some doozies. None as bad as some of the other ones I’ve read or heard about. And here’s hoping I never have one THAT bad, but still…. we’ll see.

I think it’ll be fun. In fact, I know it will be fun. As someone once told me, “when you go on dates, you really do go ‘balls to the wall,’” so I hope that continues on!