Only four weeks in…

… and “I’m really struggling. “  That’s what I said and then I started crying. The crying where you’re not totally sure where it’s coming from. And you’re embarassed because you’re around your peers and your IA and you feel really vulnerable.  And you’re embarassed. Like, “I’m better than this.” And you’re thinking of other things, not just things at work. And you’re stressed, and tired, and you didn’t sign up kids for tutoring and who the hell really cares anyway?

And you still haven’t fill out the forms. And you need a folder for each student? Really??!  So for A, I’m going to put a post-it and say, “she always does all her work and she’s really sweet.” And for G, I’ll stick a note in there on his SE paperwork and say “he’s doing fine in here. He does better when he gets to sit at the big table by himself.”  And E and J might both get the “really smart, but doesn’t apply him/her self.”

And people are asking all these questions about U and you just don’t know and you’ve stopped caring about it. And your room is a mess and you can’t get organized and the papers keep piling up.  And you hate the way the desks are organized. But you can’t fix them now because they’re taking tests. Yes, already. And, no, I haven’t been teaching, either.

And all the shit hits the fan and you’re finally allowed to let it all down and the tears start. And you wonder what people wonder about you. You wonder if they think you are a weakling who can’t make it through the first 4 weeks.

And maybe it’s because you’re on the verge of sick, and maybe you haven’t gotten enough sleep as you need, even though you’re in bed at a semi-decent time. And maybe it’s the fact that your period is almost over. And maybe it is the stuff going on with and to friends. And maybe it really was just a moment of weakness.  And you wonder why your body aches, even though you have no other symptoms of anything.

The kids? They’re awesome. Besides those few pesky kids in that one pesky class, they’re great. They’re how they’re supposed to be. Constant juxtapositions. They’re anxious and excited. And they care and they don’t. They’re curious and think life is boring.  They’re excited and too cool to show emotions. They walk in crying and you don’t know why. They leave smiling because the nurse deemed it appropriate and you have many, many kids gone.

That’s really what I care about. It really is. It’s them. I might just be in a moment of weakness. But I know it’ll pass. I know it will go by, and I know this is just a moment of weakness. Just a moment.

Head of the Class

Headin’ back to school tomorrow. More so than other years, I feel so UN-ready. Not that I’m ever ready to go back, really.

This is the first time that I can remember that we didn’t have to go back the 2nd or 3rd. And since Christmas was on a Thursday, I was gone the whole first week and home the whole second week. I had grand plans to do all these things around the house, most of which did not get done.

I read, I knitted, I tidied some. I laid on the couch, I slept in, I went to bed late. I went out to eat, I drank lots of wine.  It was so fabulous. I was supposed to make several phone calls. I was supposed to pay more bills than I did. I know I shouldn’t “should” all over myself, but I am.

But I just feel so mentally unprepared to go back tomorrow. It’s like it’s not real.  So as I sit here playing on the interweb, I know I should head to bed and read some there. Drift off slowly to sleep.

Guess we’re almost half-way there!

Lack of

I love lack of communication.

Or whatever.

And lack of planning. That’s awesome.

Lack of planning that leads to way too much communication that is actually too late.

Ah, i thought things were better so far.

Whatever. Just the latest frustrations.

Work Email

I really shouldn’t read work email on the weekends.

So we have this consultant we’ve been working with for several years now. I’m sick of him. I’m over it. I’m over him. I don’t have any more buy-in. I don’t feel I’m learning anything more from him.

We still “have” him one more year. To save time, energy, whatever, he’s going to meet with small groups of people and then those people will “train” the other people on this subject. Really? Really? Like we haven’t done enough with this guy?  Is the fact that we have a TPO really making the students better test-takers? (Cuz that’s all that really matters thanks to our legislature.)

Last time he was here, the last half of his presentation was basically a sales pitch. So guess who gets to sit through his spiel again? And then “train” the team. Yay. And he’s got wierd freaking eyebrows. I don’t like playing the stupid games. I don’t like “testing” out of activities. Yes, all good things to use with the children. Fine. Whatever. I’m over it.  Please don’t make me play the stupid games when we’re in a small group with you.

I’m telling you now, I’m not the best to do this. Why? Because I don’t have personal buy-in. But I’ll do it. I know I’m easy to replace in the classroom.  I can be a team player. I’ll take one for the team. I’ll feign my smile.

Also? A required book club? Really? I love being in book clubs. I enjoy reading something, discussing it, having fun with it. I’ve been in a few book clubs where I didn’t necessarily want to finish the book. Some I didn’t finish. But now? Now a required one? Yes, easy reading. But getting an email about how many pages to have read in a certain time period and questions to discuss. Really? Puke. It’s like the walls are closing in on me.

I almost want not to finish, just so I can say, this is ridiculous. Doesn’t he know I’ve got 3 books I’m currently reading right now? One of which is for a for true life book club?! (Middlesex), even though I cannot get into it?!  I’m sure this book will be fine.  Looks easy enough.  But, still. Whatever.

I think I’m more annoyed with the whole consultant thing.

Sometimes i count my chickens before they hatch (so maybe it won’t be so bad). …. But I really hate that the walls are already coming in on me, this early in the year.

New energy

I woke up this morning very tired. That alarm sure was early. Oh, how I love the “snooze” button. i think I hit it twice. That’s eighteen extra minutes of sleep. Somehow it seems that those snooze minutes are so deep.

Last week we had staff development at school. All we did was “sit and get,” with a few group activities and few minutes here and there to have on our own. We did have Thursday and Friday to ourselves, though.  Anyway, the half week (two weeks ago) and last week, I was so freaking tired. Like couldn’t keep my eyes open tired. Like chewing gum, drinking cokes, sipping water, whatever to stay awake. I slept in later than I have the past two days.

The past two days (and the rest of my days for 9 months to come), I’ve gotten up super early. But I have a new energy. There’s a new energy of having the kids there. Even the two days I had to work on whatever I needed to work on (I really am a slacker…) seemed to drag on. And on.

But having the kids there (at least for now!) reminds me of the energy that’s there. They’re still cute. Still innocent. Still lost.

The 6th graders aren’t used to changing classes. They’re so freaked out. It’s a little bit cute.

I loved, loved, loved my summer. I did everything and I did nothing. And I claimed I didn’t want to go back. But I guess I’m glad to be back. To be doing something. To be earning those hard-earned dollars.  Course I can’t wait for the 3 day weekend, but still. It is nice to have a purpose.

Unfortunately, now I have to shop when everyone else does.

Maybe we need more desks??

Someone wrote an email to the whole staff today that said something to the effect of “I need 6 more desks…share if you have them.”

Shortly thereafter, someone else said she needed 5 desks.

Then another from someone who needed 6 desks.

Later on, another from someone who needs about 10.

Apparently, some of these people were told that “there are no desks” … that they won’t have desks. Really? Really?!! Is this for real?  I mean, we knew there’d be 200 or so bodies more than last year (and the year before that and the year before that and so on….). You think maybe, maybe on our budget list we could put desks? And even some chairs?

How is it that there are not enough desks on campus?  Are we not “ordering” more?  We’re expected to be “effective,” but how is this possible if there are not enough places for the children to sit? The rooms will be crowded. That’s fine. But apparently we’ve figured out the room situation. So how is it that we haven’t figured out the “desk situation” ??

I’m not a good team builder

This is my fourth year as a team leader. I understand the important dynamics of a team, of respecting one another, of trusting one another.  Rules and expectations need to be set. I get that.

I (what’s the opposite of looked forward??) ________ed today’s “Team Building Activities [that] required appropriate dress and tennis shoes.” (Really? I mean, really?)

I’ve done a million of those things. (Watch out, Negative Nelly has taken over). The Human Knot? I’ve participated in and led that a bajillion times.  One person blind-folded, everyone mute, and various other handicaps.

Put a name on your back–shhh, it’s a secret!–let’s play who am I? Wooo…it’ll be fun.

The Hula-Hoop pass? Yup. Done that. That one where you hold hands and have to pass the hula hoop from one end of the line to the other? Yeah, that one. Sometimes, if you’re really good, your group gets 2 (!!) Hula Hoops to deal with.

Talking, not talking, blind-folded, the outgoing can’t talk, the introverts have to lead. What did we see? What happened? Why did we do this? Why did you say that?  How does this relate to _________? (our relationship with each other, with The Church, with our students–you fill in the blank).  I guess my former jobs have all led to these activities–youth director, camp counselor, day camp director, teacher, grocery bagger… (Heh–just seeing if you were paying attention!).  I think I forget that other people haven’t been privy to such things.

Maybe because I’ve had to do them.  Maybe it’s because I’ve led them. Maybe because I know the point of them. Maybe because I know what the outcome will be. Maybe because the introvert in me comes out when all the strong personalities freak out about not being able to get the marble across the gym without touching it. (BTW, people, it’s just a game!) But maybe that’s the non-competitive person in me. It’s okay if our team doesn’t get unwrapped first.  I don’t have a loud enough voice (seriously, it registers on a different level for some people). And some are coaches. And some are just loud. I get lost. I get tired of fighting for the stage.

So I guess the good news was that we only had to do one of these today. I was going into it with a bad attitude. Turns out I didn’t need to. But those days we do have those team-building things, you better believe the “introverted I’ve done these all before” in me will come out.  I’ll let you play, I’ll let you figure it out. But I already get it.

=======

Side bar: Now, I don’t want to give off the impression that I know it all. Surely I don’t. I think it’s just the competitiveness gets on my nerves. The freaking out of not winning. The inability to see things how they’re supposed to be seen. The doing the same things I’ve done before. They can be good. They can be beneficial (you see me back-peddling?!). I think part of me is just not ready to be around people constantly again.

Maybe I just need a writing intervention or something.

ETA: These activities can be really aweseome. They work really well. For people who haven’t seen them before.

In other news…

It took me 16 minutes to get to work; 14 to get home.

That’s a nice commute time.

Big case of the “don’t wannas”

I think it was three years ago that I was really excited to get back to school. I went in early (I had a special helper go with me) and got things set up. I cut and pasted and colored a few things. I thought about desk placement and where this shelf should go and where I could put that file cabinet.

I don’t remember last year (if I was super excited or not).

I greet this year with mixed feelings. We hate change. We don’t like things to be different. BUT, last year was so bad. The kids were bad, we stopped caring, we didn’t feel supported… and it was a vicious cycle.

This year will be very different in a lot of ways. I think they will be good. Or I’m trying to stay positive and optimistic about it. I think these changes will be good.

I have to go to school today. Only a half day, but I do have to go. Wednesday, we go in “balls to the wall” as they say (or as I like to say).  I think a year or two ago, I would have gone early. Not this year. I don’t want to be there one minute more than i have to be.

So, while I’m trying to stay optimistic, I still am feeling a lot or resistance from within. I mean, seriously… I have to leave in a few minutes and here I am blogging away.

Ask me what I’m wearing today… I’m wearing fleece-like pants, a tank-top and flip-flops. Not exactly “business” type dress. But really, I’m still so much in summer mode that it’s all I can do.

And, also, I’ve gained weight this summer, so my good butt jeans are a bit tight. So I have to go with the stretchy pants. But whatever. They’re so comfy. And I’m getting there. I’m getting myself to school so I should get some credit for that.

Here’s hoping.