Kitchen Therapy

This summer, I went on a women’s retreat where one of the duties to sign up for was “Kitchen Therapy,” which was code for “your turn to start the meal and clean it up.” There is something to be said about the conversations that happen in the kitchen. The kitchen is always the most popular place at parties. No matter what.

It’s not just that people want to help. Maybe that’s how it starts. But they end up hanging out. It’s where we’re comfortable. There’s stuff to do, cookies and cooking and baking and supplies to hide behind.  We can stand around and talk, look in the fridge.  We can talk, but don’t have to make eye contact if we don’t want to.

I was with family over Christmas and there were several different incidents of “Kitchen Therapy.”

Lefse is a traditional Norwegian treat. Made from potatoes, the Norse slather butter and sugar  on the flat pancakes. Best hot of the griddle, of course!  As we sat around making them, we sat and stood and slathered and sprinkled and told stories. Memories, stories, things that are exciting to us.

Later in the day, several people gathered in the kitchen. I don’t think there was anything on the stove, nor were cookies being eaten, nor baked. We just stood around. Some shared fears and small blessings that were  sprinkled among sad stories.  There were some tears, although most of them had already been shed.

Something magical about the kitchen.

Christmas morning, I was with a different family. I was up early, as were a few others. We didn’t have the pop-can biscuits, so using an iPhone and an 1930’s recipe, we made some cute little biscuits. We laughed. Hard. We spoke of memories of Christmas-biscuits-past.  The memories that are tied with the traditional biscuits and gravy Christmas morning breakfast.

We baked and waited for others to wake up, hoping they’d enjoy the biscuits as much as we did making them.

Why is it that the kitchen can be such a great place to be?!

Blogging

For those of you who think I haven’t blogged in awhile, I have. Really, I have. I have a few in the past couple months that are “private,” and one I started just after Christmas that I never finished. I had these ideas in my head, and then I wasn’t happy with them and now it’s gone.

I have yelp reviews to write, but can’t get them out.

When Alice Sebold was writing “The Lovely Bones,” she had to put it to bed a bit and write another book, as she had other stuff on her mind. I don’t know if I totally have “other” stuff on my mind, but maybe I need to write something ELSE to get me out of this non-writing rut. I feel like if I can get “this” out, whatever this is, I will be able to blog more. Again. Maybe I need to write it out by hand. But I’m not even sure what “it” is.

So give me some time. It’ll come.

Free Will Astrology: December 24, 2009

I have good astrological reasons to suspect that a year from now, your empire will be bigger. The resources you have at your disposal will be more substantial, the influence you wield will be more meaningful, and the responsibilities you oversee will be more demanding. You can’t, however, just sit back passively and expect fate to make it all happen for you. You will have to work your assets off: get better organized, clarify your game plan, and commit to taking better care of yourself. None of that is mandatory, of course. Being a lazy wanderer with no mission statement is definitely an option. If you do go in that direction, though, don’t complain to me next December about how you feel like you’re made of cookie dough. 

Pride

So on Friday, someone who I respect, but who I don’t always give the respect they deserve, told me they were proud of me.

That was pretty cool.

Slap on the wrist–venting

A mere slap on the wrist, but I was reprimanded today.  Not in a totally bad way. Guess I made it 12 weeks before getting that sort of reprimand.

Received another one a few weeks ago for a similar thing, from a different person, probably one who was carrying out orders.

I don’t know why I’m so upset by it. But I’m really upset. How much does this really reflect on me? How much does it really affect me?  In the big scheme, as well as the little one.

There’s a meeting tomorrow that I think I’m supposed to be more prepared for, yet I have no f*cking clue what is going on. I’m not prepared. I’ll probably get in trouble for that, too.

I can’t take reading any more freaking articles! I have a huge pile to read already. (JB–that’s not to you; those I have more of a choice and desire to read).

“Here, read this by Wednesday. Be ready to discuss,” “You need to find an article to read by next month and distribute it out.  Be ready to discuss.”

Not sure what slaps I’ll receive for not finding the second articles mentioned here. It’s sometimes hard to care. Learning community. I get it. I do. Always good to learn more. All that. Makes sense. Who am I letting down by not finding these other articles?

I’ll quit venting. Or not. You know I like to keep it private here, otherwise I’d go on.

You better believe after Thanksgiving, I’ll be taking a mental health day.

Keep smiling…

I started going through the pictures I have on my computer. I don’t have many, since it’s a new computer, so I was looking at FB and MS and flickr to find a few new pictures.  (What a time suck!)

I realized something. Generally speaking, when truly happy, I smile with my mouth open. I show teeth. When super happy, I’ll show my mouth, too. Like my teeth are even open. Sure, that’s not the case 100% of the time, but generally speaking, it seems true. (You better believe I’m looking through that shoe box as soon as I hit “publish.”)

I don’t remember the exact pictures, but I do remember what was going on in my life at the time.  Mostly. And it seems that when things were good, I bared my teeth like a goofy gorilla. Other times, something may have been wrong. Maybe on the surface, maybe deep down. Seems, though, that my last few pictures I’ve shown what I got. Cross-bite and all.

July 24, 2008

Here’s what I wrote in a letter to me on July 24, 2008, sent to me from the past, to July 24, 2009. (futureme.org). I won’t lie, I knew it would be coming soon, but had no idea what I had written.

 

Dear FutureMe,
It’s Thursday, July 24, 2008. You just took your first sock-knitting lesson. So far it’s going pretty well. Have you made more?

Two months and one day ago day (on dad’s birthday), you closed on your house. Does it feel like “home” yet?  Isn’t it awesome being here?!

You’ve done things to “expand” your horizons. You get your first CSA box this Saturday. Are you still doing that?  Have you tried new recipes and new vegetables?

You’re doing things like this–the socks, the CSA–to meet more people. Are you?  Have you found other ways to meet people?

Today you’re going back and forth on wanting someone. Also enjoying the singledom. I wonder if you’ve found that special someone yet.  You know what? It’s okay if you haven’t.

Lots of things are okay.
You’re just fine where you are.

 

——-

Okay, so I only made one pair of socks. I’ve done hats and scarves since then, but no more socks. Maybe I should get on that again. Those were fun. They were challenging and fun. Not that I’ll ever wear them, but I sure am proud of them!

YES! My house is awesome! I did lots of renovations this summer, and there are still lots more to do. I love my newly painted kitchen and accent wall.

I don’t do Johnson’s CSA anymore, but do Greenling about once a month. I’m loving it. Not necessarily because of that, but I have tried lots of new recipes in the past year.

I really worked on cultivating friendships over the past year or so. I worked on strenghtening the ones I wanted to keep, and let others fall to the wayside. Some slipped away that I should do better about keeping going.

As of this July (2009), hadn’t found “that special someone,” but have realized it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve got great friends and a great family.

I’ve lost and gained weight since last July. Same few pounds up and down, but I’m working out a lot. I’m working on eating more veggies. Most days I’m pretty okay with my body.  And you know what?  I am fine with where I am. … Damnit!

—-

 

I’m pondering sending another letter to myself. It’s a fun surprise to get a year later. I suggest you do it, too. Go to futureme.org and write yourself a letter!

On blogging

When will I blog again? I think of things randomly that I’d like to say. I come home and don’t want (or don’t think to) write.  Now I’m engrossed in the last 15 minutes of Top Chef, and don’t want to write. I’ll be heading to bed straight away.

 

That’s all I really got.

Nothing.

Taboo Five

Playing Taboo and The Friday Five

1. Who’s making a positive difference in your life?
   Taboo words: friends, family, husband/wife/spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend.
2. Where would you like to be right now?
   Taboo words: home, bed, anywhere but here.
3. What’s the first thing you’d do with a $5,000 (or your local equivalent) gift?
   Taboo words: save, debt, vacation, payments, invest.
4. What super-power would you really like to have?
   Taboo words: invisibility, x-ray vision, flying, strength, transform.
5. What’s your favorite sound?
   Taboo words: laughter, music, ocean, wind, ____’s voice

1. KT, duh! She makes me see things from within. She asks the tough questions.

2. I would like to be well, feeling great. Probably in a different country.

3. Write an e-check to Visa. Or, wait..no! Get a deck.  (is it Freudian that I typed an ‘i’ at first?)

4. Being in the air like the birds. I think that would be amazing.

5. When you’re in the car and it’s raining and you turn off the car and just hear the rain on the windshied and roof.

Only four weeks in…

… and “I’m really struggling. “  That’s what I said and then I started crying. The crying where you’re not totally sure where it’s coming from. And you’re embarassed because you’re around your peers and your IA and you feel really vulnerable.  And you’re embarassed. Like, “I’m better than this.” And you’re thinking of other things, not just things at work. And you’re stressed, and tired, and you didn’t sign up kids for tutoring and who the hell really cares anyway?

And you still haven’t fill out the forms. And you need a folder for each student? Really??!  So for A, I’m going to put a post-it and say, “she always does all her work and she’s really sweet.” And for G, I’ll stick a note in there on his SE paperwork and say “he’s doing fine in here. He does better when he gets to sit at the big table by himself.”  And E and J might both get the “really smart, but doesn’t apply him/her self.”

And people are asking all these questions about U and you just don’t know and you’ve stopped caring about it. And your room is a mess and you can’t get organized and the papers keep piling up.  And you hate the way the desks are organized. But you can’t fix them now because they’re taking tests. Yes, already. And, no, I haven’t been teaching, either.

And all the shit hits the fan and you’re finally allowed to let it all down and the tears start. And you wonder what people wonder about you. You wonder if they think you are a weakling who can’t make it through the first 4 weeks.

And maybe it’s because you’re on the verge of sick, and maybe you haven’t gotten enough sleep as you need, even though you’re in bed at a semi-decent time. And maybe it’s the fact that your period is almost over. And maybe it is the stuff going on with and to friends. And maybe it really was just a moment of weakness.  And you wonder why your body aches, even though you have no other symptoms of anything.

The kids? They’re awesome. Besides those few pesky kids in that one pesky class, they’re great. They’re how they’re supposed to be. Constant juxtapositions. They’re anxious and excited. And they care and they don’t. They’re curious and think life is boring.  They’re excited and too cool to show emotions. They walk in crying and you don’t know why. They leave smiling because the nurse deemed it appropriate and you have many, many kids gone.

That’s really what I care about. It really is. It’s them. I might just be in a moment of weakness. But I know it’ll pass. I know it will go by, and I know this is just a moment of weakness. Just a moment.